You can love someone, and they can say they love you, but when it ends, you’re expected to pretend like it never happened, like that one person is just a random citizen of earth, not one of the more important people you have ever known.
It’s very tempting to turn it all into anger and hate; to try and convince yourself that you never really liked them anyway.
But deep down, somewhere in your heart, you still feel the same way, even when you try to bury all those feelings and forget every moment you shared.
And I think that it’s okay to still feel the same way.
As women, we are often shamed for being “too emotional” or “hysterical” which only serves to make us internalize everything, not wanting to bother that person or anyone, for that matter, with our feelings.
I don’t know about y’all, but I for one have enough feelings for twelve people. I also have a very bad habit of doing the “I-hate-him-he-obviously-never-cared-so-I’ll-pretend-I-don’t-care-either” thing. Which only makes me more miserable.
Even with all the broken promises, lost trust, and bruised feelings, I still feel. As much as I try not to, there’s still the twinge in my chest when I see someone who used to matter to me, no matter how long it has been since the mattering ceased.
I’ve wondered recently if things would be different if we told people how we felt. Not in a I-want-to-be-your-favorite-again way, but in a “I value you as a person and I miss mattering to you and having you matter to me.” If we weren’t so concerned with being thought of as crazy, would we be better friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, community members? Would relationships, even platonic, be different? Would there be less bitterness carried around in the world?
I’ve gambled and lost in relationships because I didn’t want to be honest and up front about my needs and feelings (I also have a bad habit of wanting significant others to be mind readers). I wish things had been different, but I have to live with my decisions.
I hope that in the future, we can express our feelings without fear of being called hysterical or crazy.
Because when you gamble on your person being a mind-reader, chances are you’re going to lose.
And just for kicks, because T-Swift is the best thing EVER to listen to when you’re overwhelmed with feelings, here’s Taylor.