Tonight one of my favorite movies was on Lifetime.
Yes, it’s definitely a Nicholas Sparks movie.
A Walk to Remember.
I remember the first time I watched it.
I was fourteen-ish and my friend the Heavenly Being was staying with us.
Her aunt was dying.
I remember wondering how she could stand to watch this movie when she was essentially living it, but now, I sort of get it.
Sad movies give me an excuse to cry.
Grief is a funny thing.
It makes you want to curl up in a ball and never get attached to anyone ever again.
Which is why this is one of my favorite quotes in the entire movie.
I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have felt this way.
I don’t want to lose anyone else.
Don’t get too close to me, because one day we’re all going to die and that scares the heck out of me.
However, life would be meaningless if we didn’t have relationships.
So even though I’m going to one day lose everyone I have ever cared about, to death, break-ups, or moves, I need these relationships.
Since February, I have secluded myself from social events and just going out with friends.
I felt like I needed to be home.
To spend as much time as possible with them, because in my one-week-shy-of-eighteen years, I’ve learned that people leave way too soon.
That was one reason I wasn’t so keen on living on campus to begin with.
I wanted to be with my family.
But now that I’ve been here a month, I’m starting to feel a balance.
(PRAISE THE LAWD)
I’m even starting to feel like I will survive if there is a weekend I can’t spend the whole time at home.
*insert clutching of pearls here*
Last fall, when I talked with Maemae about coming to college early, I expressed hesitation about not knowing anyone here.
She said, “Well how are you ever going to know anyone if you don’t go there and meet people?”
She knows me better than I know myself.
I’m finally feeling more at home.
And at times that I don’t feel at home, I have a super awesome big sister to go to, a Perfect Purple Knight that has offered her apartment as an oasis, and a plethora of other Wesleyannes who will pick me up when I fall.
Sometimes, I’ve learned, you have to go through the really crappy times to get to the good stuff.
“Ain’t no mountain high enough, ain’t no mountain low enough, ain’t no river wide enough to keep me from you”
^Nickolas Ashford and Valerie Simpson knew what they were talking about.
Substituting the word ‘you’ for your personal or professional goals can really be empowering.
Ain’t nothing big enough to keep me from the STUNT cup! 🙂
Living is hard work.
There are highs and lows, unfortunately.
But if you are surrounded by a community of people who love you, you can get through almost anything.
No, being with my Wesleyan sisters can’t bring my grandparents back, but they can love me in the interim between now and when I see them again.
This year, my nineteenth, I’m going to strive to let people love me.
Last year, my goal was to love myself.
And though occasionally I will throw out an, “I’m so fat!” they are much less often and I really do respect myself much more than I used to.
So now, I’m going to make myself vulnerable and let people in.
It’s going to be hard.
But I’m gonna do it, because it will make me healthier and make my relationships with people healthier.
So, what are you going to do to be a healthier you?
(and I’m not talking losing twenty pounds, I love you the way you are)