Quiet

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I have a feeling I’m going to be “that” girl.

The one that goes home all the time to see her family.

And strangely, I’m okay with that.

After being on campus for two weeks, I have definitely found that there are worse things to be.

How can you *not* want to be around these people? ;)

How can you *not* want to be around these people? 😉

I remember the days of being so mad when I got privileges taken away, because that meant I had to stay home.  I used to describe myself as outgoing, never wanting to stay home, and social.

Now, I have come to terms with my hermithood. (Pardon my invented word.)

I have found that I abhor change, and that if I could be anywhere in the world, it would be wherever my family was.

Don’t get me wrong, this campus is beautiful and has already shaped me more than I could have ever foreseen.

But sometimes, you need a little chill.

I have craved quiet this week.

I went to the library, a nice escape from the constant screaming and giggling of my current hall, but I don’t think Libris is up to sharing his home with a human.

The quiet I’m craving, however, has nothing to do with silence.

It has everything to do with being able to let my guard down, not focus on the ten thousand voices it seems are surrounding me 24/7. I just want the voices of those I  have known forever.

That is what I’m looking forward to this weekend, even though my excessive nerdiness will compel me to work ahead on studies.

But hey, I’ll be studying in the company of a new Darth Vader voice-changing helmet, Lalaloopsy-Playmobil crossover soap  operas, and Mama working to get things done.

What are you looking forward to this weekend?

–aub–

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I’ve Been Changed for Good

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I’ve spent a lot of time here posting and reveling about the strong women I know that go here, went here, or teach here, and this post will be no exception.

Only this time, I’m gonna talk about me.

I knew that this place held a sort of magic within its walls.

But I never dreamed that it would work on me.

Growing up, I thought that humility=not thinking highly of yourself. However, even once I learned that that is not the case, I still felt inferior to those around me–too fat, not pretty enough, too much of a nerd, and all that terrible stuff.

Yes, I know now that even if any of those things are true, they make me who I am and I should own it.

I don’t have to apologize anymore.

A long, long time ago, I was in a relationship.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking, 16 year old relationships are doomed simply because of what they are.

And yeah, I realize that now, but still.

I always felt like I needed to apologize for anything I said, did, or felt.

I wasn’t fond of pet names–he heard it as I didn’t care.

I went to the Hunger Games premiere with friends from school–I didn’t want to spend time with him.

Y’all, I apologized for everything, not being in public school, doing things for me, and even spending time with my family.

I was SO insecure, lost, and I didn’t feel like I was worthy of being someone’s girlfriend.

Now, just in the past week of being here, I am a completely different person.

I am confident enough now to be someone’s girlfriend, best friend, and star student–I can be whoever I want.

I choose my own destiny.

I am my own White Knight.

Wesleyan has done that for me.

This was back in March, toward the end of my senior year.

This was back in March, toward the end of my senior year.

This was today, a very good day.

This was today, a very good day.

That girl up top, yeah, she might look like me, but she isn’t me.

I know that I will still have hard days, but feeling good feels good.

I love y’all.

Be worthy.

–aub–

Libris!

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So today I decided to escape the blasting rap music in my hall to go to the library to study.

Little did I know how much it would affect my day.

I’m pretty sure I have a new best friend.

I’m not sure if he is the same installment that was here when I took Japanese lessons, but he carries the same essence.

Yes, folks, here at Wesleyan, we have a library cat.

Libris, the finest library cat in the land!

Libris, the finest library cat in the land!

Little guy came over as soon as I sat down and sniffed around.  Then he sat there just like this for a few minutes watching me study. It felt good to be paid attention to in a time when people are still figuring out who their friends are.

I like this cat!

I am not a cat person at all, but there is something refreshing about a slow and steady movement throughout a place where students are often frantically searching for that elusive answer to a question the professor didn’t cover in class but is on the homework.

Libris has swag.

I have a feeling I will be frequenting the library. 🙂

SuperAwesomeGreatWeekend :)

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This has been a good weekend.

First, my family came to visit me on Saturday morning and we all went to the Wesleyan Market.

I cannot tell you how good it was to see them.

Soon after, the H clan minus one came to peruse the Market too.

They are some of my favorite people and they always make me feel better.

Last night, I went to Mac’s new house to a meal full of laughter and listening.

Seriously cool people.

Today, I got up, finished reading for business (Praise the Lawd!), and then I went to lunch with some family friends.

Y’all, I ate Japanese for the first time in AGES 🙂

Yumyumyumyumyum!

Yumyumyumyumyum!

 

I also had an appointment with my RA.

Y’all, everybody tells you that suite-style rooming is the way to go, but honestly, they are much stronger than I am.

I requested a private room.

Now, this has NOTHING to do with my awesome roommate.  She’s super funny and we get along. It all has to do with me.

I have anxiety, I always have, and probably always will.

Not having quiet time to myself is very hard.

I really felt sort of like a loser for making this decision, but my really awesome and sweet RA assured me that doing what is right for my body is definitely better than enduring something that’s going to hurt me.

She also said that she wished she had done the same thing–and she got along great with her roommate.

I gave myself grace today, grace to do what I needed to do for me.

Now, my sister will be able to come stay with me! 🙂

Y’all, I stood up for myself today.

Something I NEVER do.  I’ve always been the timid one.  But today, I knew that for me to survive I had to make a change.

And I feel so much better.

I’m not promising to live on campus all four years, but I’m promising today.

In the words of my GRANDmother (yes, she’s just that grand), one day at a time.

And that’ s what I’ll do.

Mexican, Starbucks, and Goodwill…Oh my!

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Today, after I got out of Graphic Design half-an-hour early (yeah!), one of my favorite people in the world came to get me.

My Aunt.

She’s one of the coolest chicks I’ve ever known.

And she listens really, really well.

First we went to the Mexican restaurant down the way, cheese quesadillas! 🙂

She asked how I was doing, and I was honest, and she listened.

Then we went and only got lost once on the way a natural market to get some natural sleep aids and such.

Seriously, the coolest store ever.

After that, we decided to head over to the GW Boutique–it’s the official store of our family–if you don’t believe me, click here, here, and here.

On the way, Aunt S needed some coffee (well, a dirty chai latte to be exact), so we went to the ‘Bucks. I’ve been wanting to go by a lot this week but haven’t really had time.  I wasn’t really in a coffee mood, so I got a Cool Lime Refresher–YUM!

This isn't mine, but you get the gist.

This isn’t mine, but you get the gist.

Once we got to the GW Boutique, we picked up some legos for the Gater, and reluctantly passed on some Vera Bradley lunchboxes.

This is the kind of day I like, where I have something to look forward to outside of classes and endless studying. It was a nice break from campus and a good opportunity to get off campus.  I got to bounce some ideas off of my aunt, and she gave me honest feedback, it was great.

I felt better just seeing at least one part of my family.

I’m not promising to be happy all the time, or even most of the time, but it’s easier when I see family.

It’s been a pretty good day.

Anytime food & GW is involved, how can it be bad? 🙂

I Miss My Mama

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Today has been really, really hard.

I’ve only seen Mama for five minutes the entire time I’ve been here.
And yes, I know that there are international students here whose families live forever away, but I’m speaking for me.

Even if my feelings are dumb or wussy, they’re no less real.

I want to go home.

Even just for a day.

I’ve never gone more than two weeks without seeing my mom and living at home.

I cannot begin to tell  you how deeply my heart aches to see her.

I’ve been driving her nuts with the tears, I know.

 I know she loves me, and that this is different for her too.

I miss the Crays.

The Yoda-voices Little Man used to do at the most random times ever.

Sissy knowing exactly what to say when I felt bad.

I miss the togetherness.

The pajama days.

The days I would babysit and we’d watch every Barbie movie there ever was.

It was home.

And now, being here is a completely different experience–not a bad one by any means–but I crave my family. (We’re a very close-knit, not open to outsiders kind of people)

This will never be home-home, but for now, it’s where I am.

And just so you all know what kind of mother ‘Dre is, she sent me this tonight when I told her I felt bad.